This is hardly a punishment blog, this is a public service. We’ve seen ridiculous outfits, hairstyles and themes come back into style. Get into the next early by wearing Jorts.
Now Jorts aren’t your Daisy Dukes, they run a wee bit longer to your knee cap. With that comes limited mobility. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cut my jeans into Jorts but what I can tell you is how that feeling you feel is FREEDOM. That fresh breath of cool air as it runs up your leg and tickles your balls reminds you of your youth. Especially, after you’ve been sweating all day and your jeans now weigh about 50 pounds. Cutting off that unneeded length gives you new life. Yes your ankles may get a little more dirty than they would if you had kept your jeans, but the splinter is the cost of the wood.
You may not be working outside, but do you live inside? Do you not wash your car? Trim your hedges? Collect your trash bins before your neighbors and mutter under your breath as if you’re better than them? You’re not going to wear jeans in August or September. In fact, the first time you wear them will probably be when your significant other drags you out to go apple picking. And1 shorts won’t do, you’re not about to go play a pick up game. Slip on those Jorts. Let your lower legs feel something better before old man winter comes around.
Now I am a big fan of cargo shorts, just the plethora of pockets gives me the ability to become a donkey; carrying around as much weight as the payload of a F150. Jorts almost have as many pockets, but they do give you added protection. Leather gets too hot, denim gives you breathability while it protects you as you walk through Lawrence.
All you need is high ankle socks and some white New Balances and your full dad mode. The fishing shirt is optional, since you only go on the water once a year .. but hey, so do the other dads. #columbialife
All of that being said, let's discuss a few very specific situations where a good pair of jorts are not only appropriate, but almost necessary.
Let’s say you are a southern gentleman who enjoys him some NASCAR action. If you’re on your way to Daytona Motor Speedway or Talladega, you need to think about your accessories. I know you’ll probably be wearing your Confederate flag t-shirt and old stingray boots. But what the heck goes on the old wickets? Why Jorts of course. Not only does that just create an image that all the ladies won’t be able to resist, but it also provides you convenience. You’ve got a good amount of pockets for all your needs. A pocket for your tin of dip. Whether you’re a Skoal guy or more into Grizzly, don’t worry you’re covered. I’d say you’ve got room for a bottle opener, but let’s be honest you’re drinking your Busch Light out of a can. It’s also easy to put your wallet on a chain like I know you will be doing. And when the event ends and you’re on the way to the inevitable hate crime that you’re undoubtedly participating in, you’ve got the mobility of shorts to really get after it!
“But Concret3Cowboy and Blind Owl, I’m not a NASCAR fan, when can I wear my Jorts?” Well, don’t you worry, we’ve got you.
It’s mid summer and you get an invitation in the mail. Not just any invitation but the semi-bi-annual family reunion! There are only two questions that come to mind, what am I going to bring, and what am I going to wear? I don’t know anything about your culinary abilities, but I do know fashion. There’s only one garment that screams “FAMILY REUNION!!” like a solid pair of Jorts. Again, you’ve got your convenience with all those pockets. You can carry all the must haves, like a ZIppo, your pack of Marlboro Red 100s, a chewed golf pencil, a napkin/tissue and that large amount of keys you have for some reason that really doesn’t open anything in your house. We all know there is going to be a tad bit of consumption at the party, and some drunken athletic activity is going to occur. Jorts have you covered there. You’ve got the flexibility to stammer, break loose and drop an easy pass in a flag football game, or horribly mistime your block attempt and take out 2 small children and the net in a game of volleyball. Not to mention leaving your shins open to be gashed by an errant horseshoe from a toddler that never should have been allowed to hold such a heavy piece of sporting equipment. All of this great, but none of it comes close to the best part of the Jorts at the family reunion. The best thing is simple. Three words. Ladies love them. While you’re looking at the distant cousin who is pretty attractive and considering what state you’ll have to drive to in order for bumping uglies with her to only be frowned upon and not illegal (Mississippi is a safe bet), she’ll be fantasizing about ripping those Levi’s off with her teeth and finding out how families really do things.
These are just a couple of suggestions. That’s the beauty of Jorts. They are so versatile. But when you’re standing in your underwear looking through your closet for the perfect thing to wear on your legs, just think. Jorts.