Ras Al Ghul once said that “justice is balance.” What we have here is more akin to a famous Frank Castle saying, “this isn’t justice, it’s punishment.” I stand before you today accused of peddling awful gambling advice. I plead no contest to the accusations and today, I will be punished for my misdeeds. I will be struck down with great vengeance and furious anger in a way not carried out since Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction. The punishment laid down before me is to do the unthinkable, power rank the basic b***h fall flavors. Though repulsed by the very idea, a deal is a deal.
5. Pumpkin Spice
There are many ways to do pumpkin flavors that add subtle, yet delicious variety to your beverage of choice. Pumpkin spice IS NOT ONE OF THEM. First things first, pumpkin spice does not include any pumpkin. It is literally a blend of spices that are supposed to taste like fall but succeed only in tasting like Zeus’s sphincter. The most common pumpkin spice beverage is the eye roll inducing basic b***h pumpkin spice latte. Lattes are nauseating in the best of times. How can we make an already repulsive beverage even worse? Adding a bunch of nonsensical sweetening spice to an already overly sweet beverage. Seriously, just order a disgusting melted milkshake with a shot of caffeine. Real ones only drink coffee black. If you want a beverage that will allow you to retain possession of your man card (and actually involves pumpkin flavor), try Sam Adams 20 pounds of pumpkin. You’ll thank me later.
As I alluded to previously, adding flavors to coffee is sacrilege. Maple is no exception, leave coffee alone! I don’t mind maple as a flavor, I mean who doesn’t enjoy pancakes with maple syrup? The issue is that it doesn’t belong as fall flavor, it’s commonly available everywhere year round, but the basic b***hes have spoken. While far from gag worthy, maple deserts are a bit underwhelming. They taste fine, but you know you wouldn’t choose them with other options available. Take maple glazed doughnuts for example. You’ll eat it but you’re lying if you claim it’s your first choice from the dozen. Maple is like somebody tried to copy sugar’s homework without making it too obvious but ended up with a worse grade.
3. Salted Caramel
Salted caramel desserts are undoubtedly delicious. Something about mixing sweet and savory never misses. The problem is that nobody knows how to pronounce caramel. Spell check accepts Carmel with a capital C but only accepts caramel with a lower-case c. WTF is this? My computer doesn’t even know how to freaking say it. Some use both pronunciations interchangeably within the same sentence. English is hard enough, why do we have to do this? I can’t in good conscience rank a fall flavor #1 if it involves a possibly fake word, 3 is the best I can do.
Apple pie is as American of a thing that has ever existed, so bonus points for patriotism. I don’t love it, but I respect it. Apple crisp is amazeballs and you cannot tell me otherwise. Hard cider anyone? Yeah, apple flavor is nearly flawless, hence it’s high ranking on this definitive list. Apple picking is where the controversy around apple begins and ends. In a vacuum, apple picking is a worthwhile fall activity. You get to be outside with friends and family and who doesn’t enjoy eating a freshly picked apple? Unfortunately, nothing exists in a vacuum. Apple picking isn’t cheap, so kiss 40 bucks goodbye. Does your significant other exist on social media? If they exist in real life, the answer is yes so get ready to take 1, 2, 300,000 pictures. You’re probably going to have to rock a flannel too, even though it’s likely still too hot for it. All of this is fine, but apple picking is primarily a weekend activity, which means there’s a 50% chance that it is a Sunday activity. If you have an ounce of vitamin T running through your veins, you know fall Sundays are for watching football. Go during a bye-week or plan apple picking around the time your team plays? Uh no, REDZONE exists and is better than sliced bread! Do yourself a favor, go on Saturday.
A scary biker guy that used to be married to my friend’s mother used to call me cinnamon. While I think flavored coffee shouldn’t be classified as coffee, I made mistakes in my youth and used to like this crap. Cinnamon wins the basic b***h fall flavor power ranking because it is either already in every fall flavor or improves it dramatically. Salted Caramel ice cream is great and all, but it is dramatically improved with cider doughnuts, primary spice being cinnamon. Pumpkin spice would suck drastically less if it involved more cinnamon. Pumpkin beer is best served in a stein with one of those fancy hipster cinnamon rims. You know what’s better than normal sugar? Cinnamon sugar! Cinnamon is too good to be labeled a basic b***h fall flavor and I’m appalled that it exists on the first list I Googled for this blog.
There you have it, basic b***h fall flavors power ranked. Everyone is now dumber for having read this, I award you zero points and may God have mercy on your sole. While this was a complete waste of my time, given the winner is incredibly obvious, I leave you with one more movie quote,” Are you not entertained?” (Maximus – Gladiator).