Sports betting is a serious business. People have made millions and lost homes betting on sports. But let’s step away from seriousness for a bit and talk dumb prop bets.
I know that Concret3Cowboy, BrendawnoftheDead and I have spent months gambling on games, with mixed results. And I also realize how seriously I took all of my picks all year for some reason. I am also aware of how poorly I’m doing with my picks in the playoffs, and that “let’s do something more fun,” is total loser talk. But I control this whole damn thing so we are doing this more fun shit.
So what I’ve decided to do is find the stupidest and most bizarre prop bets having to do with Super Bowl 56 and pick those. I have also voluntold the Cowboy and Brendawn for this nonsense. So, let’s get to it.
Editor's Note: Concret3Cowboy originally sent me his picks for these with no explanations. How exciting, right? After I told him to at least send some kind of explanation, he responded with this text accompanied by a picture of himself, “I’m 270.. I don’t need to explain myself.” After he finally caved and sent his explanations, his email was titled, “Freaking Bet Nazi.” This is clearly directed at me and it is deeply offensive.
National Anthem Length Over/Under: 1:35
Blind Owl: This one is personal to me. The first time I ever bet on this was against BrendawnoftheDead for Super Bowl 50. Lady Gaga was singing and we put a very coveted iced coffee on the line. I’ll never forget it. I was sitting on the floor of our other friend’s living room very worried about the game due to my Broncos being in it. Lady Gaga sang a good rendition of the Star Spangled Banner that was coming close, but was going to hit the under which I chose. Then, disaster struck. This weirdo decided to REPEAT THE LAST LINE OF THE SONG! It came in 2 seconds over the mark and I lost. We’ve made this bet every year since, and I am scarred by the “Lady Gaga Incident.” This year it is Mickey Guyton, who I know little to nothing about. In my 30 seconds of research, I found that she is a country music singer. Her songs seem to be on the slower side. I found a video of her singing the anthem and it was 1:27. I bet she’ll ham it up a bit for the Super Bowl. HAMMER THE OVER.
Concret3Cowboy: The national anthem is racist, and they’re playing in the commie state of California? Under.
BrendawnoftheDead: Hammer the over. Celebrities love themselves
Will Any Scoring Drive Be Shorter Than National Anthem: Yes/No
Blind Owl: Seeing how I’ve picked the over on the anthem. This is definitely going to happen. Someone will have a big play and score a huge TD. It could be Jamar Chase, Cooper Kupp or even a big run. It’s 100% going to happen.
Concret3Cowboy: Yes. Both offenses can be explosive, but if you’re scoring under 1:30 that’s a defensive breakdown more than an offensive overpower. Both these defenses are very good. If this does happen it’s more than likely it’s the Rams that do it. Joe Burrow isn’t going to have time for things to progress down field.
BrendawnoftheDead: The anthem could be 5 minutes long. So, yes.
Which Team Wins Coin Toss: Rams/Bengals
Blind Owl: Uhhh…50/50 shot here. I am going with the team that will pick heads or tails. Rams all the way.
Concret3Cowboy: Bengals. A literal 50/50 shot.
BrendawnoftheDead: Bengals, because I flipped a coin.
First Player to Score a TD
Blind Owl: Going right along with my coin toss prediction, the Bengals will start with the ball because the Rams will defer. I see a nice long drive happening followed by a Joe Mixon short TD run or pass. He’s +750, so if you degenerates want to actually bet it’s a good one.
Concret3Cowboy: Jamar Chase can score from anywhere on the field. How can you have a tiger to tiger connection?
Will Snoop Dogg Smoke Weed on Stage During Halftime: Yes/No
Blind Owl: I think that’s illegal. But he will smoke SOOOOOOOOOOOO much weed before and after the performance.
Concret3Cowboy: No, they try to keep these kinds of things more family friendly. I can’t wait to see everyone next to the stage wearing masks bouncing off each other.
BrendawnoftheDead: Obviously. It’s Snoop.
What Color Will Gatorade Shower Be: Orange, Red, Lime/Green/Yellow, Clear/Water, Blue, Purple
Blind Owl: This one is a lock for me. Why you might ask? I am color blind so this is an easy bet. There are no different colors of Gatorade. They’re all the same. So I pick the color I see. Which is a weird grayish/clearish liquid. But to placate you “normies”, I choose Lime/Green/Yellow. Orange Gatorade is disgusting by the way.
Concret3Cowboy: Orange, duh.
BrendawnoftheDead: Yellow. Because Rams.
Will a Fan Run Onto Field During the Game: Yes/No
Blind Owl: I’m just hoping they do. I could see it being a publicity stunt like Dave Portnoy being dragged out of the Super Bowl a few years back. I could see an anti-mask protester streaking wearing just a facemask or just wearing a facemask over their junk.
Concret3Cowboy: No way. Super Bowls are big money events. Unless it’s a blowout, I have a hard time seeing anyone throwing that kind of money away for clout.
BrendawnoftheDead: Nope. LA doesn’t have fans.
Blind Owl: I won’t reveal my pick for the Super Bowl here, but I can guarantee the MVP will be a QB. Hopefully it’s a good game. I want a shootout with all kinds of points scored. So basically it’s a choice between Stafford or Burrow. I think Burrow is a douche. He just seems so dickish. I like the feel good story of Stafford winning a Super Bowl and the Super Bowl MVP right after he leaves Detroit. So I’m going with him. Bonus Pick: If it is a non-QB MVP, I’m thinking of Cooper Kupp. That guy is a stud.
Concret3Cowboy: Mathew Stafford, If the Rams win it will be muy dificil for anyone else to get it.
BrendawnoftheDead: It’ll be the QB on the winning team. So…Stafford.