Well folks, the time has come. The moment you all have been clambering for ever since I started writing this blog.
It is time for the OFFICIAL Blind Owl Blog Fast Food Rankings.
SInce this is my blog and my rankings, I’ve totally made up every category and how I chose the rank.
It is probably not a good look for a Physical Education/Health teacher to be ranking the best fast food items. But to all the haters who preach about never eating fast food, I say just one thing, go pound sand. I’m doing it whether you like it or not.
In the interest of full disclosure, these rankings are based on where I grow up and continue to live. Sorry to you In-N-Out and Checkers fans, but they didn’t have those in northern Massachusetts or southern New Hampshire, so they’re being left out. If I ever get my hands on them, the list will be updated.
Here we go.
Best Chicken Nuggets- KFC
Alright, I’m starting with one I really don’t go for that often. I’m not the biggest chicken nugget guy. But if I’m craving some kind of chicken finger food, I’m going to the Colonel. There really isn’t a competitor in my opinion. You have to go with the classic here. The only drawback with the KFC popcorn chicken/chicken nuggets, is it has to be partnered with KFCs legendary gravy. Like Eric Cartman says “who the hell wants KFC without gravy?!?!”
Best Drinks- Wendy’s
Some might say this sounds like a dumb category. A drink is a drink you might think. Not true my friend. What drinks are available is a key component. Any fast food place that has Pepsi products is automatically eliminated here. Not only does Wendy’s have Coca-Cola products, which are clearly superior, they also ALWAYS have the best soda ever created. Dr. Pepper. Not only that, they were one of the first to introduce those machines with like a billion drink options. Even having the more obscure flavors. If all of that isn’t enough, Wendy’s drink sizes are absurd. A medium is equal to a large at your other fast food places. The big drinks can not only get you through your meal, but even leaves you some for the ride.
Best Chicken Sandwich- Chick-Fil-A
Full disclosure, I’ve only ever had Chick-Fil-A once. But the chicken sandwich that passed over my taste buds was nearly a religious experience. I know I shouldn’t judge a food product based on one try, but this sandwich was practically orgasmic. Perfectly fried and not even remotely dry, like some chicken sandwiches can be, there was nothing wrong with it. Even the bun tasted good. The owners' religious leanings have given them a bad wrap, but good food speaks for itself. Chick-Fil-A has survived cancellations based on the sheer power of their chicken sandwich.
Honorable Mention- KFC Double Down
Had to make a quick comment on this abomination of a food product. Two pieces of chicken as buns, covering bacon, cheese and some sauce is disturbing. But oh so delicious.
Best Burger Toppings- Burger King
Sometimes a burger is only as good as what you put on it. I personally need some good veggies on there and a plethora of condiments. Some places are too plain with their burger dressings. No disrespect to the Big Mac’s “special sauce” which we all know is just thousand island dressing, but BK takes the cake here. With a great lettuce to onion ratio and fantastic mix of ketchup, mustard and mayo, the burger just dances over the pallet. The only negative comment here is the insistence of every place to put tomatoes on burgers. We need to get those red fruit/vegetable flip flopping frauds away from the beautiful thing that is a burger.
Best Value Menu- McDonalds
For those frugal fast food aficionados out there, McDonalds is the only choice. Not only do they have the classic McDouble on the menu, but they also threw in the McChicken. This devastating combo commonly referred to as the McGangBang is a staple in the bargain burger rotation. Not the best quality of food here, but we are talking quantity. You used to be able to get a half dozen sandwiches, a drink and fries for under $10. That is absurd and a cheapskates wet dream. Not to mention those little diced onions on the McDoubles which are a treasure.
Worst Fries- Wendy’s
This will be the first negative ranking here. But Wendy’s fries leave a lot to be desired. They are typically a little on the soggy side, and lack proper salting. Those who know me, know my disdain for salt, but on a fry, you need some salt. The size of the fry orders tries to make up for the quality, but unfortunately they fall short.
Best Fries- McDonalds
This one is going to be controversial. Chick-Fil-A comes in at a close second here, but I just haven’t had enough experience with them. The one time I had them, I was actually working with students at the North Shore Mall and didn’t have time to finish my full meal. So I was forced to eat them well after they were purchased. Even then, they beat out almost all the others. McDonalds has to take the win here. They are always perfectly salted, and you can’t stop eating them. If you’re at a McDanks, it is almost illegal not to get at least a small order of fries. And when you get them fresh out of the fryer, your mouth enters an otherwise unknown state of euphoria.
Best Burger Quality- Wendy’s
I anticipate this being the most controversial choice on the list. I’m sure I’ll get at least one death threat for this. Wendy’s has clearly put a lot of effort into their burgers. I know it is just fast food, but something about their burgers makes them seem like higher quality. They say it is “fresh, never frozen beef” but I’m not sure I believe that. I have always eaten a Wendy’s classic double, knowing it is just a step above a quarter pounder. Add that to a decent mix of veggies and condiments, and the ease at which they make it to remove those disgusting tomatoes, the quality is just tops. And the fact that I don’t feel like I’m going to die an hour after I eat it, puts Wendy’s in a category of its own.
Best Drunk Fast Food- McDonalds
I was tempted to put Domino’s Pizza here, but after much internal debate, I couldn’t count it as fast food. We all have our go to food when the Bud Lights are flowing. And since I never have to be the designated driver, I have always been able to get to the nearest McDonalds without law enforcement involvement. It just so happens that on the way home from my college drinking spot, the Whip City Brew in Westfield, there was a Mickey D’s conveniently placed. My roommates and I used to stop and throw down a cringe worthy amount of food. The burgers and chicken nuggets would be launched (sometimes literally) around like they were going out of style. Even to this day, if I’ve had too much to drink, I’ll convince my fiance to take a trip to the Golden Arches. The nostalgia of the college days makes it almost a must.
Best Fast Food- Taco Bell
We’ve come to the ultimate ranking. The best fast food place of them all. The purveyor of the Nectar of the Gods. Taco Bell. I was introduced to this glorious place in high school. I had never had it, because presumably my parents didn’t like it. But I am now a firm believer in the power of TBell. The sheer amount of choices that the Bell provides makes it an easy choice. You have anything from basic tacos, to burritos and even vegan options! Not only that, but the burritos are well packaged and easy to eat. And there is one for every taste out there. They have spicy, BBQ, mild and even Dorito shells. Add to that the exclusive rights to Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast, it is just head and shoulders above all others. The Taco Bell near me is also a KFC earning it the name KFBell. I’ve gone in there several times wanting KFC, but ending up going back to ol’ reliable Taco Bell. That has to count for something. Not only is it good enough to stand on its own, but put it in the same building as another establishment and it literally takes business away.
Well, there it is. My ultimate rankings of the American institution that is fast food. If you aren’t hungry after reading this, you are psychotic. I even had to wait until after lunch to write it so I wouldn’t be ravenous by the end.
I’m sure you disagree with me somewhere here. Be sure to let me know how moronic you think I am. Keep eating my friends.